Totality

 "I am sorry that I must take you apart to understand you, but I must understand."

There is a totality to who we are, that we are more often than not, unconscious of. There is what we know are absolute and then there are other integrated parts that bind these absolutes together that we don't notice at all. These integrates, thinners is what I imagine them to be, are the things that transform when you are transforming. They transform first and by due, everything else transforms according to them. 

When you are slow enough to notice, these integrated parts feel empty. Not because they are empty but because we do not get the chance to define them, they are the openings in the structures of our ego. Our ego is built up by our personal experiences, but it is only a part of our psychological structure. 

When we wake up in the morning, there is a moment of absolute silence that we experience, when we do not associate anything to reality or to our identity, our consciousness not fully stable and the boundary between our subconsciousness and consciousness is still very soft. We are in suspension while awake, and we get to experience ourselves beyond the things we give meaning to, like a painting viewed at dawned, blurry and unclear but is there, and so is the painter. There, we feel the totality of our depths without realizing and without the incessant need to give name and definition. Add a few breaths before you sit up, recognize that you exist before the story begins. This is proof that the ego can dissolve for a few seconds and you remain intact, this is proof that you are larger than your story because you are a totality of things you are aware and unaware of. 

Nature demands a balance at all times, with or without our control and efforts. Just as the thinners in our minds transform without us knowing, these parts unawares will always come back in some way to balance out the ego. You grow when you dare to make these thinners, these parts of yourselves that lay in the shadow, conscious; but in order to do that, you must become aware that they exist. If not, it is as if you are tending to gardens overgrown with weed root systems yet only seeing the flowers. When we are honest with our darkness, we become freer not because we become perfect but because we become whole. It is bringing what we have denied into the light of consciousness so that we have the power to actually choose without our subconscious choosing for us. There are questions we can ask ourselves in our light that opens up doors. What does this feeling say about me? What does it mean or imply? When we can answer those questions with honesty, in our weakness, we become people who can pass through darkness without being swallowed. 

These do not have to be perfect or perfected and analyzed too much, we just need one honest sentence about what we recognize from ourselves without intending it. 

When the shell of "I'm fine" no longer has enough strength to hold its shape, the thinners come to the surface. Consciousness stands guards during these times and helps you remain in control by filtering your words, adjusting your expressions before others can notice your tremors, consciousness helps you to survive in society, it is a necessary structure but it is psychologically exhausting. Psychological energy is finite unfortunately for those of us who never stop running in our heads. When we finally find place where control isn't necessary, the consciousness, the guard, they let go out of exhaustion; suddenly, we are reactive to anything because we had accumulated energy throughout the day trying so hard to be perfect, like a ventilated room but all the vents are blocked and the air is still circulating and accumulating- the tiny bit of pressure compromises the entire system and a small burst of air is an explosion. Then afterwards, we shame ourselves for it and call it "too much". Our self is simply demanding to be felt in its totality, we demand to be whole. 

There is no psychic wholeness without imperfection. There is no danger in recognizing there are parts of our selves we do not allow to appear, what is dangerous is when we look at these parts and say "that is not me," as if the subconscious can be erased at will. We continue to split ourselves, and call it growth. 

But our soul, it does not forget- be gentle with it, and it'll be gentle to you.