Onism and the Evanescense of Time

    I learned a new word yesterday. Onism. The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time. Imagine standing in front of a departure screen at an airport, and your eyes flicker over the strange place names, routes, and destinations, each representing one more thing you'll never get to see before you die- and all because, as the screen would helpfully point out, you are here. I think that's beautiful. 

    Maybe not the frustration, but the awareness of how little of the world you'll ever experience, and how very important it is to make sure you actually experience your present, lest you miss out on that too. I am very human, I am never able to generalize my preferences and interests. I may pinpoint a moment and say everything that I liked, preferred, and was interested in, in that moment. But in the next moment, all of that could change. What a fancy way to say "I am inconsistent"... There's beauty in change, there's beauty in the hunger for something more when the time comes to be hungry for something different. How else do I grow, and how else would I be better? Onism reminds me of the concept of FOMO, however it feels much deeper than that, more intricate. Instead of simply fearing missing out on moments other people are having, I fear on missing out on places I could go, things I could learn, moments I could have, and people I could meet- things that fit me and feel meant for me. 

    "What do I want to be when I grow up?" is an elementary question we have all asked in the early years of our adolescent. I was the person who never had an answer, not because I didn't know what I wanted to be or that I didn't have any drive, I never had an answer because I wanted to be so many things without having to choose. It wasn't that I never had enough drive, I just knew that I don't have enough lifetime. No one does. There's too many things in the world to see and so many options on who to be, and deep down, people are capable of loving many things at the same time, enjoying various things all at the same time, or one at a time- and they do. But we're somewhat stuck in our bodies, in our spaces, and in our ever changing present. Time is just rolling away, like a teasing lover who wont let you breathe- simply taking, giving, taking and giving, indiscriminately. We often say "tomorrow is another day", to give ourselves hope that there are new opportunities, sometimes- pessimistically I think "so was yesterday..." and that retort in itself when said out loud, feels so heavy on my tongue.

There are people who can't let go of yesterday because of the lingering attachment they may have with the space and people that yesterday holds. I can't let go of yesterday simply because it ended too fast, and every morning feels like one more page closer to the end of a really, really good book. I don't want it to end. I want to fill the book with a lot of moments, and bask in each of them;  but every moment passes me by in 60 second increments- that's just enough time for me to draw 10 deep breaths. Whether those 10 deep breaths worth of a moment is enough or not, is a moot point, it doesn't matter- I have to make it enough because 60 seconds won't wait. 10 deep breaths at a time, and it still not enough.  

  Morii: The desire to capture, stop, or pause a fleeting moment.

My dad is my best friend and he once asked me what am I doing with my life, and what do I want to do. He wasn't patronizing me at all, he was genuinely asking me to tell him what exactly is my "book" about. I couldn't help but think in that moment, that I took too long to figure out what the book is going to be about. Should I have made the choice from the beginning? Its too late, so I just keep going. I responded "I don't know yet." Is it bad to be as old as I am and not know what you're breathing about, simply because you're breathing about too many things at the same time? It feels somewhat childish, I feel somewhat childish. I am a lot younger than a lot of people younger than me, and that's both tragic and celebratory to think about; I have yet to know if its a good thing or a bad thing.

What I want, I want because I can't have. I want to be in two or more places at once. I want to look deeply into the eyes of people and recognize if gratification is found in their flesh or in their minds. I want to touch the fire in other people's soul and know exactly what they're made of. I want to know how far do I bend and where do I break? If so I could endure a little bit more each time. At 23, I'm still young and I still have a lot of time, yet I know that with what time I have left, it's not enough anymore to say "I still have a lot of time.."

-JVL