Prose: White Roses

solipsism: (n.) the belief that everything around you was created by your mind  

if everything around me was created by my mind, then youre the best thing that I've ever come up with; you are real, but only as real as my thoughts.

There is no other time, other than when Im completely surrounded by commotion and chaos, do I realize that there is such a thing as peace. Peace in the quiet of moments I've taken for granted many times. Peace in the stillness of my heart when I'm loved and taken care of by people I've taken for granted many times. I take one deep breath and Im already one deep breath too late, because thats how fast time moves by my notice.

I yearn for the safety of a soundless night, a sky dome glittered with stars- where I'd look up and see the Three Sisters of Orions Belt that has followed me since I was old enough to look up into the sky and young enough to wonder why they never separate. I yearn for the freedom of the wind on a starless night, gently blowing against my face, almost as if in caress saying- "you're growing up well" A wind that's a mother, and a night that's always been a friend and a lover. I yearn for what is at the tip of my fingers but never within my reach, like a string of pearls consisting of three that sits on my third finger at 2 a.m. in the morning. Alnilam, how peaceful it must be to sit upon your blanket of darkness having an eternal picnic while Im plunged into chaos on your account. I am envious of your innocence almost as much as your silence, but never more than Im envious of your indifference. If I could attain the will to remain indifferent, I wouldnt care so much about the chaos that follows me consistently even when I stand still and do nothing. Anlinam, a string of pearls, the Three Sisters of Orions Belt, Orion's Belt- how extraordinary and grand one must be to be indifferent and not suffer from indifference. 

White Roses. If the darkness of night could give me flowers, it would be white roses, a single one or a whole bouqet of them- but white roses, nontheless. If the darkness of night could give me advice, it would have a "what if you can" for each one of my "what if I cant". It will forever encourage me despite having no idea what it means to care, and that is the real reward of being indifferent. White Roses, is all that darkness knows- white roses and nothing else. Should that day come when white roses loses its meaning to me in regards to the darkness I find solace in, I wouldn't want anything else in replacement. It would just be lost to me completely- save for my memories. It would become one of those things that left my grip before I had the chance to grasp on to it. My mothers gardens that exists only in memory now, the home that I knew and grew up in that only exists in memory now, the version of the dad who raised me that only exists in memory now, myself when I was still as carefree and pure as white roses, that only exists in memory now. I don't want them back- along the way, I found other things to live for.

Eureka! You might think. Everything that I live for is discovered at the beginning of each day, and that means that some days- there is none. Yet, I never strayed from this life, because there is one thing that is always constant even when everything that I know now isn't what I knew then at all, Anlinam. There is great comfort in the knowledge that there is at least one thing that does not change despite the swiftness of transitioning from what hasnt happened yet to what has already happened- time's a fleeting thing; what an asshole. Even still, Eureka! for having never forgotten what it felt like to lay on the grass and stare into the night sky and wonder, a luxury that I took for granted. As I sit here on the 10th floor of my apartment building, I am 10 floors closer to the sky than I was at 7 years old in my backyard; yet, I am so much farther away from the feeling of grass on my back and being engulfed by darkness save for the stars. I remember mostly, that when I lay still and stare long enough in silence, it felt like I was falling up into space. 

JVL