On the Edge of Yesterday...
On the other side of yesterday when I didn't know love, I loved wholeheartedly.
I laughed the loudest, and only knew a childlike cry of pain.
Just like a bird that hadn't left the nest,
I lived only seeing the walls of my comfort zone, and then suddenly-
I was dropped down the nest
except-
I'm not a bird.
I was a little girl, a whole human being
a child who had never known the pain of being dropped
much less the pain of landing.
Years later, I realize that being dropped did hurt more and lastingly,
than the landing that lasted momentarily.
Years later, I would realize that I consistently re-live free fall sensory experience.
Years later- I still wouldn't let myself hit the ground, still refusing to land.
PTSD.
On the far side of yesterday when I haven't known joy, I was ecstatic.
I lived in a state far from the current state of home,
I made lifelong friends and learned lifelong lessons-
on joy and peace
and everything good,
I talked to God every day and every night
and I never forgot to say thank you
to Him
to the people who helped me grow
the people who helped me learn
and the people who did it all alongside me.
For a while, I wasn't alone.
For a while, I overcame my alien complex to my surroundings
For a while, I forgot to deal with all the fears I carried
because in that while, I forgot my fears existed.
I simply became "one of the locals."
I remember thinking to myself then,
I will be okay, no matter what happens from here on out.
Years later, I would look back and laugh at myself,
I was too young to be that optimistic.
Expectations.
On the near side of yesterday when I haven't known my demons, I feel as if I had fought every one else's.
Where the sun rose faithfully
and set desperately as too much of a good thing-
always goes bad.
The sun rose on yesterday
I was so hopeful and excited
and just as quickly as I had forgotten my previous fears,
they came back to stay
for longer than I had forgotten them for.
Slowly contaminating the crevices of my mind
I let this monster thrive in its physical form and its emotional form
until I felt cornered
pressured
and burdened
in a most contradicting
unattached
and non-committal way.
What a load of words to say.
I remember having loads of words I was too scared to say.
In the form of a man, something inside me unknowingly yearned for-
the familiarity of my monster
that thing that represented my fears
my growing collection of personal trauma
a conglomerate of long sleepless nights
suicidal thoughts
a lump of tears that always refused to shed
and lasting moments of studying this new pain I hadn't known before.
A pain that didn't hurt,
it plagued
and in its truest form
right in front of my eyes-
I watched and let it dim all the brightest parts of me.
Numb.
On the edge of yesterday when I knew the exhaustion of living, I was too tired.
I was too tired to love, and I was too tired to hate.
I felt too pathetic to try.
How could I do that to myself?
Don't I deserve more from me?
Having gone through all I went through since the other side of yesterday,
I deserved better from me.
I'm too strong to act weak
and just because I get weak does not mean I'm not strong.
Since the day that I never landed from free-fall,
I became the only strong person I know
the most kind
the most loving
the happiest
and the wisest.
Why couldn't I see that before?
I deserve the kind of love I give
and the kind of care I take
I owe it to myself
don't I?
Why must I wait for someone to love me in a way that'll never be enough?
I knew it will never be enough,
they never are.
Selfish.
On the genesis of tomorrow when I know all that I know so far,
I promise I'll never let myself hunger for something I was already full of.
I promise to never ask a second time
for things I have in possession to give myself.
I will never again, look for a sense of home in people
when I'm already surrounded by people who-
are home
are at home
give me home.
I am home, even when I'm not.
I am an extension of every home I've known and whose warmth I've felt.
Never again, will I let my fears become my crutch.
I will not be scared of my inherent need for seclusion
nor will I be scared of the depth of my thoughts
where I've drowned myself countless times.
I won't be scared of my love anymore
all-consuming
wholly embracing
filling in and filling up every desolate corner
of the package that is me.
I promise I'll love myself more than I'll love anyone else
I'll take care of my health first before I do anyone else's
I'll befriend all my demons and let go of everyone else's
I'll let my pain and my trauma
and everything that they bring with them
in form of the ocean
deep
dark
wild
I'll let them touch shore
gently
and then I'll allow them to pull back into their depths
gently
and I'll let them go-
not to rid of them
but to acknowledge
that they are there
that they exist
with me
in me.
they, are me.
Rest.
-JVL
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